Chew On It – Harmony
Words from Elixr Founder, Richard Chew.
Life was far too interesting in my younger years – and not always in a good way. Back then, disharmony was practically a permanent house guest.
I was married to Debra, a physically stunning model. Gorgeous, yes. But life with her? Let’s just say the beauty didn’t extend to the emotional climate at home. Debra was deeply troubled, angry, insecure, and carrying wounds left by parents who failed to show her sufficient love or care. Unfortunately, I became the target of that unresolved rage. No doubt, I probably gave her a few reasons to be annoyed, but not enough to justify the emotional wrath I had to endure.
It reached a point where I was tiptoeing through daily life, doing whatever I could to avoid setting off another outburst. I craved peace, some scrap of harmony for the sake of our children. But the damage was done. I’m still paying for it… mostly through therapy bills.
At the same time, my professional life in karate was hardly a Zen experience. The martial arts world, despite all the talk of discipline and respect, was a hotbed of ego, status games, and school rivalries. Adding to that, intellectual rigour wasn’t the martial arts world’s strongest trait. After a challenging stint as Secretary of the NSW Karate Association, I swore off all committees for life.
In the karate world, I never backed down from a fight. But at home, I became an expert in conflict avoidance – not out of fear, but for the sake of family harmony. Sadly, it came at a cost to my kids, who grew up in the emotional crossfire.
But things changed.
These days, I actively and consciously work to create peace and harmony in my life. Confrontations are now rare. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I truly lost my temper, which, for someone with my history, feels like earning a black belt in restraint.
How I’ve Learned to Keep the Peace:
1. Words Matter.
I’ve learned to choose my words carefully. A quick, careless remark can escalate things fast. When there’s conflict, I take a step back, sometimes for a day or two, give it some deep thought, and respond objectively, not emotionally. Anger might rise inside me, but I work hard to stop it from taking control of me.
I’ll never understand how family members can fling the most hurtful words at each other like it’s a target practice.
Once, I was seated near a mother and her two young daughters at a restaurant. The way she spoke to them, condescending, and total disrespect was appalling. I couldn’t help myself. I leaned over and said, “In a few years, when your daughters don’t want to speak to you, I hope you remember this moment.”
Hmmm… she didn’t thank me for the insight.
2. Choose Your Company Wisely.
I’ve got a saying: “Anyone can pretend to be nice, but nobody pretends to be nasty.” If someone shows their dark side early on, believe it. That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Tough times are great for showing you who your real friends are. Fair-weather friends are fun for socialising, but they won’t be there when life hits the fan. Those who vanish when you’re struggling, cut them loose. It’s emotional spring cleaning.
Growing up in boarding school from age 11 to 16, I learned to be self-reliant, because I had to. But it took me decades to realise that true friends are not just nice-to-haves. They’re essential. Life will throw pain and tragedy your way, and you need people who’ll prop you up.
These days, I actively nurture friendships with the people who’ve proven to be true friends. And when someone shows selfishness or inconsideration, I would keep my distance or cut them out. Chaos has enough foot soldiers without me inviting them over for dinner.
3. Start With the Mirror.
We’re all world-class judges of others, but amateurs at self-reflection. Whenever conflict arises, I always pause and ask: “Am I the problem?” And sometimes I am.
We humans are naturally selfish. It takes awareness and practice to override that instinct. I work at being kind, caring, and generous, because it’s who I want to be. Do it long enough, and it becomes who you are.
And when you’re truly content within yourself, the world brightens around you. You see things in colour instead of grayscale.
And for me?
Being single helps a lot. Peace, after all, starts at home.
And luckily, I have no one to argue with… except the many voices in my head.
My Memoirs
I’ve written my memoirs, titled Chew on Life. It’s been a labour of love over the past 18 months, made possible with the generous help of our talented member, Berwyn Lewis, an author, journalist, and a remarkably patient human being.
The book is currently being printed, and I’m planning to launch it this September.
If you’ve enjoyed my newsletters, you may find it worth a read. Chew on Life dives deeper into many of the stories and experiences I’ve only touched on, ranging from the highest of highs in business and sport, to the darkest depths of depression, and the excruciating pain of losing my favourite daughter.
Yet through it all, I continue life with a sense of optimism, albeit a pragmatic one.
I have heard that an optimist is just a pessimist who hasn’t lived long enough.
Well, I’ve lived long enough… and still, I choose to see the beauty and joy of life.
Perhaps it’s in my name. My Chinese name literally translates to “Blue Sky.”
So it’s no surprise, I remain, at heart, a stoic optimist.
