Chew On It – Simplifying The Complexity of Relationships
If you’ve lived long enough, you know one of the trickiest parts of life isn’t managing your career, health, or finances, it’s navigating relationships with other human beings. We’re complicated creatures: shaped by our upbringing, culture, beliefs, and those delightful childhood traumas that creep into our adult behaviour.
After decades of running health clubs and interacting with thousands of people, plus my own colourful family history, I’ve gathered a few lessons on how to keep the peace, preserve harmony, and avoid unnecessary drama.
Family Feuds (or Lack Thereof)
I’m proud to say the last time I had a heated argument with a family member was with my ex-wife… in the late 1990s. Since then? Nothing. Not one single family argument. (Either I’ve matured, or I’ve excelled at the art of strategic silence!)
My elder brother and sister, who raised me when I migrated to Sydney at 11, command such love and respect that I would never argue with them, and they’ve given me little reason to.
With a more “challenging” family member, I’ve learned it’s better to pause and think before speaking. Most times, what you want to blurt out isn’t that important anyway, and it would only create a confrontation. And if it is important, find a way to say it without being offensive.
Strange, Isn’t It?
Why is it that the people we love most can cut us deepest with their words? There are countless ways to express yourself, so why choose the words that leave scars?
A friend of mine is stuck in a tragic tug-of-war between his wife and his mother. Poor guy is tearing out what little hair he has left. Whoever he sides with, he loses. Let this be a reminder: if you want harmony in your family (and happiness for your family member), don’t pick a fight or be difficult with your son- or daughter-in-law. If you can’t be nice, at least be civil. (You’re welcome to share this with the appropriate person.)
Lessons From Dad
When I was 18, my father tried to break up my marriage. Not exactly father-of-the-year behaviour, but he believed he was doing the right thing. At the time, I had to distance myself from him to preserve peace in my marriage.
Later, as that marriage inevitably ended (don’t most?), I was able to reconnect with him. Dad was authoritative; he believed there were only two ways: his way, or the wrong way.
On the bright side, he taught me how not to treat people. He also showed me love in his own way. He was an unwanted child who never received much affection, and so he struggled to show it. Regardless, he was a caring and devoted father who gave equal opportunities to his sons and daughters.
The Big Picture
Too often we let negative emotions dictate our behaviour. A friend of mine skipped his stepdaughter’s wedding because of a sour relationship with her. I told him, nicely but straight, that he was wrong. Even if you don’t get along, sometimes the right thing to do is show up, for the sake of the person you love.
The big problem is we tend to see things only from our point of view. The wise step back, zoom out, and ask: What’s best for harmony? Life really is so much more enjoyable without constant confrontation and anger.
My Personal Playbook for Harmony
Here’s what’s worked for me over the years:
- Think before speaking. Take all the time you need.
- Let anger cool. Give it at least a day, it works wonders.
- Choose your words wisely. Speak your mind with your heart.
- Never attack the person. That’s a guaranteed escalation.
- Discuss, don’t argue. There’s a positive difference.
- If you can’t make it better, don’t make it worse.
- Avoid toxic people. Beware—sometimes that person is… you.
- Check yourself first. Are you the problem? Be honest.
Ultimately, harmony isn’t about being a pushover, it’s about choosing peace over pettiness, clarity over conflict, and love (or at least civility) over hostility. Life has too much beauty and joy to waste on bickering.
Choose wisely. Your future self will thank you.
