Chew On It – Forgiveness
ELIXR FOUNDER – RICHARD CHEW
Forgiveness is something I have struggled with for a long time.
Recently, I watched a short YouTube video on forgiveness. It lasted only a few minutes, but it stopped me in my tracks. I realised I was tired of carrying the weight of something that had happened many years ago and that it was time to let it go.
As soon as I thought about writing this newsletter, I knew I had to act on it. I have no interest in preaching something I am not prepared to do myself.
Perhaps the message resonated because I was finally ready for it.
The video suggested that forgiveness begins with our parents.
Fortunately, I made peace with mine many years ago. I came to understand that both of them genuinely believed they were doing what they thought was best for me, even though they were limited by their own upbringing and life experiences—as I have come to recognise I am too, as a father myself.
For me, the greater challenge was always my father.
My mother was loving, thoughtful and incredibly generous. She taught me kindness, patience, hospitality and consideration for others. She also had a stubborn streak—which I seem to have inherited.
My father had a very different story. He was an unwanted child who was given away, carrying wounds that would shape much of his life. Thankfully, his adoptive mother, my grandmother, gave him the love and stability he had been denied.
Without a positive father figure himself, he had no blueprint for what fatherhood looked like.
He was, however, a remarkable survivor. He lived through the Japanese occupation during World War II, built a successful accounting practice after completing an Australian correspondence course, and in the late 1960s introduced karate to Malaysia by bringing instructors from Japan. Given his wartime experiences, that decision was far from easy. The full story is in my memoir, Chew on Life, available at the Elixr front desk.
Dad believed there was his way, and then there was the wrong way.
Leaving home for boarding school in Australia at the age of eleven made me fiercely independent. I inherited a fair amount of my father’s determination and my mother’s stubbornness. We clashed often, and at one point he even disowned me.
Years later, I realised I didn’t want that to be the final chapter of our relationship. I travelled back to spend time with him, taking my son Dennan with me. It became one of the most important trips of my life, allowing us to rebuild our relationship before it was too late.
As I grew older, I also gained perspective.
My father worked incredibly hard to provide opportunities for all four of his children. Unusually for his generation and culture, he never treated his daughters differently from his sons. He ensured we all received excellent educational opportunities, with three of us studying in Sydney and my younger sister in Iowa, USA—of all places.
My siblings excelled academically and in their professional careers. I failed spectacularly at university, attempting a pure mathematics degree. Once I realised my days there were numbered, I dropped out.
Fortunately, I discovered the fitness industry quite by accident and found my calling.
My dad was a larger-than-life character. I suspect a little of that DNA found its way into me. My entrepreneurial drive certainly came from him, along with a tendency for all of his children to be a little outspoken.
Forgiving my father turned out to be easier than forgiving someone else in my family.
Seventeen years ago, during the darkest period of my life after my daughter Talena died, a close family member was not there for her funeral. That absence became tied to my grief, and I carried the resentment ever since.
One morning, I realised I no longer wanted to carry that resentment. Seventeen years was long enough.
I finally understood that forgiveness isn’t something we do for the other person. We do it for ourselves.
Forgiveness does not mean what happened was acceptable. It does not erase the hurt or rewrite the past. It simply means refusing to let that moment continue to occupy space in my life.
The past cannot be changed, but holding onto anger only continues the damage.
Another person we often forget to forgive is ourselves.
During a therapy session many years ago, I realised how harshly I judged myself for the mistakes I had made throughout my life. Learning to be kinder to myself has been just as important as forgiving others.
And if you know you have hurt someone, gather the courage to apologise sincerely.
Many years ago, I apologised to my first wife for the pain I had caused her. I made a conscious decision not to offer explanations or excuses because I have always believed that an excuse weakens an apology.
Forgiveness doesn’t change the past.
It changes what we carry into the future.
After seventeen years, I’ve finally decided it’s time to put that burden down.
About Richard Chew
Richard Chew is the founder of Elixr Health Clubs and has been a leader in the Australian fitness industry for more than 45 years. Since beginning his career in Sydney’s eastern suburbs in 1979, Richard has represented Australia in karate as both a competitor and coach, led world champion competitive aerobics teams, and founded Elixr in 2002. Through his Chew On It series, Richard shares personal reflections and insights on health, wellbeing and living a meaningful life.
