Chew On It – The Most Difficult Person in Your Life Might Be You
ELIXR FOUNDER – RICHARD CHEW
There are countless podcasts and YouTube videos offering advice on dealing with difficult people, toxic relationships and those who have wronged us.
Yet I don’t see nearly as many encouraging us to examine our own behaviour.
Perhaps that’s because it’s far easier to recognise the faults in others than acknowledge our own.
We are remarkably good at criticising others and equally brilliant at being in denial about our shortcomings.
Self-awareness is one of the most important qualities we can develop, yet also one of the most confronting.
I have often said that when there are continuous dramas, conflicts and problems in your life, consider one thing.
The constant in all those situations is YOU.
That doesn’t mean you’re responsible for every problem. However, when the same problems keep recurring, perhaps it’s worth asking whether you’re contributing to them.
Sometimes, the most difficult person we need to deal with is the person in the mirror.
Dealing with Difficult People
From experience, I’ve learnt to avoid difficult or toxic people. I simply choose not to have them in my circle.
When interaction is unavoidable, I endeavour to remain civil, minimise contact and avoid making matters worse.
The key is not allowing negative emotions to dictate our actions. Reacting out of anger or resentment usually makes matters worse and prolongs the unpleasantness.
I remind myself to remain calm, be reasonable and fair, and find a sensible way forward.
Most importantly, am I part of the problem?
Never Wrestle with a Pig
On the world stage, I admire Canada’s Prime Minister, Mark Carney, particularly his measured approach when dealing with the confrontational behaviour of the MAGA Chief.
Rather than returning every barb, he appears focused on policies that benefit Canada.
It reminds me of something my first wife taught me decades ago.
“Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.”
I’ve never forgotten that metaphor.
Not every insult deserves a response, and not every argument needs to be won.
When I was younger, I wasn’t particularly good at following that advice. I’d react defensively and occasionally say things I later regretted.
I’d like to think age and experience have made me a little wiser.
Although there are still occasions when I’d dearly love to return a few well-deserved barbs!
Fortunately, good sense usually prevails before I develop foot-in-mouth disease.
Wisdom is not the absence of anger. It is having the good sense not to let anger make our decisions.
Character and Integrity
The virtues I continuously strive to practise are consideration, respect, kindness and generosity.
However, one virtue stands above all others.
Integrity.
Integrity is the foundation of character. Without it, promises become meaningless and trust becomes impossible.
Once I lose trust in someone, I find it extremely difficult to regain.
Yet I must acknowledge that I haven’t always lived up to those standards.
In the early 1980s, I betrayed my first wife’s trust, causing her considerable hurt and pain. I’ve since sincerely apologised.
That experience taught me something important.
A genuine apology should not come with excuses.
Simply acknowledge the wrongdoing, take responsibility and demonstrate through your actions that you’ve learnt from your mistakes.
Practising What I Preach
Interestingly, as I write this, I’m dealing with someone who has betrayed my trust.
Of course, I’m disappointed and angry.
And I’m finding it difficult to put those feelings aside.
But perhaps that’s precisely why this article is relevant to me.
It’s easy to write about wisdom, integrity and emotional control when life is going smoothly.
The real test of our character comes when someone has wronged us.
Am I allowing anger to dictate my actions? Am I being fair? Will my response resolve the matter or create more unpleasantness?
I’m conscious of not becoming hypocritical by failing to practise the very principles I’m writing about.
Compassion doesn’t mean accepting unacceptable behaviour. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean restoring trust or allowing someone back into our lives.
We can wish someone well while choosing to keep our distance.
I’m still working on that.
The Wisdom of Self-Awareness
When we feel wronged, it’s easy to blame others for our unhappiness.
Sometimes others genuinely are responsible for causing us pain. But even then, we remain responsible for our response.
We cannot always control what happens to us, but we can choose whether our actions create more conflict or greater harmony.
Life is challenging enough without making it unnecessarily more difficult.
None of us will get it right all the time. I certainly don’t.
I believe one of life’s greatest successes is becoming someone we ourselves can respect and like.
Self-awareness isn’t about finding fault with ourselves. It’s about recognising where we can become better.
Perhaps the greatest benefit of wisdom isn’t becoming better at dealing with difficult people, but becoming less difficult ourselves.
And the next time you encounter a difficult person, before pointing the finger, take a moment to look in the mirror.
You might discover that the most important person you need to work on is yourself.
Chew on that.
About Richard Chew
Richard Chew is the founder of Elixr Health Clubs and has been a leader in the Australian fitness industry for more than 45 years. Since beginning his career in Sydney’s eastern suburbs in 1979, Richard has represented Australia in karate as both a competitor and coach, led world champion competitive aerobics teams, and founded Elixr in 2002. Through his Chew On It series, Richard shares personal reflections and insights on health, wellbeing and living a meaningful life.
